Penis balloons, need I say more? When Christina Aguilera was on Ellen yesterday, she told the talk show diva that she and her husband, Jordan Bratman celebrated the birth of their son, Max by putting up penis balloons all over the house (kind of a bratty thing to do).

Ellen was shocked and asked if you could just walk into the store and buy them. Christina Aguilera said that they are not a conservative household by any means and penis balloons were an expression of this liberal Hollywood attitude.

So, what is next for the naughty songstress? At next year’s party, could there be vagina cupcakes in the making or will big breast party hats have to do? Will there be picture of Uranus (wink, wink, nod, nod) everywhere?

And, of course one has to ask that when Max turns 16-years-old, will Christina Aguilera pull out the photo albums with little Max and the penis balloons to show to the new girlfriend that he has brought home? These are questions that need answers, I tell you!

Now, I wonder if Christina’s thought balloons are also in the shape of a penis?

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Celebrity dictator Fidel Castro has finally stepped down as the fascist leader of Cuba. In a letter published in the middle of the night in the state run newspaper Granma (not to be confused with my Grandma or yo Mama), Castro stated that he was stepping down so that he could continue to smoke that big, fat Havana cigar and be taken care of by his wife, Dalia Soto del Valle.

They say that behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. The great man part is debatable, but the woman rolling her eyes part is not. Dalia Soto del Valle met Castro in 1961, mothered five of his children and has put up with his nonsense ever since.

Castro has stated his desire to step down from ruling his cowering country with an iron fist because of health reasons. Could it be that the mysterious stomach ailment of two years ago has come back to haunt the haughty dictator? Or, perhaps the iron fist has turned to rust and he cannot whack the weasel with it like he did in younger days. And, by “whacking the weasel” I mean, literally, no euphemism here.

But, the people of Cuba are not singing “Ding dong the witch is dead” just yet. There is that Mini-Me brother Raul to consider, who has carried on the traditions of neglect and abuse of Fidel with a somewhat copper fist.

The fact that Fidel is stepping down and preparing his country for life without him should come as no surprise, however. After 40 years of smoking those Cubans (and I mean the people here) its time for the smoker’s cough to take its toll and for Dr. Evil to step down, mellow out and retire in Miami as is customary for many people.

Perhaps when Fidel Castro finally dies, his remains will take a spaceplane into low earth orbit and he will be jettisoned out of the cargo hold and we will behold him as a glimmering comet in the night sky. Either that or they will just dump his swine-like body in the Bay of Pigs.

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A Maggie Q sex tape has surfaced on the Internet performing adult acts with actor Edison Chen. Maggie Q, whose real name is Quigley was down under the Hong Kong actor before moderators removed the sex tape from the bulletin board.

But, rather than pursuing Maggie Q and Edison Chen, police are going after those who are putting the sex tape on the Internet. Because of recent rumors of this affair, Chen has lost his latest movie roll.

Hawaiian born Maggie Q became an American film starlet after she appeared in such movie roles as Mission: Impossible III, Rush Hour 2 and Live Free or Die Hard (perhaps Die Hard should be the title of the sex tape as well).

Maggie Q, no relation to Q in the James Bond movies, would rather the Q stand for quiet. However, a better descriptor would be “quick” as news has spread rapidly about the Internet images and there is nowhere to hide for the Hong Kong heroine in her most dramatic role to date.

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Marilyn Jo Jenkins is being implicated in an upcoming book as “the other woman” in Bill Clinton’s life. In fact, according to journalist Carl Bernstein, Marilyn Jo Jenkins was such a big part of Clinton’s life in 1989, he was going to divorce Hillary to be with her.

In Carl Bernstein’s book, “A Woman in Charge” due out next month, Marilyn Jo Jenkins was said to be a business executive in Arkansas that Bill Clinton left behind when he ascended to the White House.

According to a leaked report about the Watergate reporter’s book, Hillary thought the White House would be a good place for Bill to stay out of trouble with all the reporter nosing around 24-7. But, Hillary miscalculated the Monica Lewinsky episode and her husband’s compulsion for the ladies.

Marilyn Jo Jenkins has been named before on long lists of suspects in the annals of Bill Clinton’s rumored conquests. This is the first report from a credible source, however, saying Bill was in love with the Southern Belle.

Because of the current presidential campaign, one might suspect the timing of the leakage. Then again, perhaps it’s just another big old present from Bill to Hillary just in time for Valentine’s Day.

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The famed or shall we say infamous Hollywood madam, Heidi Fleiss has been arrested for driving under the influence of a controlled substance. According to Fleiss she is squeaky clean this time.

But, according to officers, they had been sent to check out a possible drunk driver. Heidi Fleiss was in possession of Vicodin, a controlled substance, but could not produce a prescription for the drug.

According to Heidi Fleiss, she was taking her plumber, John Owen to the hardware store when the DUI occurred. In her past, Fleiss has known many johns, so this will come as no surprise. In 1997, Fleiss was convicted of tax evasion, when she failed to pay her fair share to Uncle Sam in her famed prostitution ring.

Several years back, Fleiss had started to develop a legalized prostitution business in Nevada called the Stud Farm project, where men worked at the brothel to service female clients. Arrested for DUI, Heidi Fleiss has now been associated with sex and drugs. So, what’s next, rock and roll?

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Katie Rees, the dethroned, deflowered and disenfranchised former Miss Nevada USA has been arrested for resisting arrest, ironically. Katie Rees was also arrested for assaulting a police officer, battery not included, as she allegedly elbowed and kicked the constable who had pulled her over in Las Vegas for a traffic violation.

Now, if you will remember, Katie Rees was kicked to the curb by Donald Trump when some nasty nude photos of the Miss Nevada surfaced. She had asked Trump for a reprieve like he had given another contestant who needed to go to rehab, but the Donald said, “You’re fired.”

According to the official jail website where she was booked, Katie Rees was arrested for “…driving with no proof of insurance, driving with suspended license plates, speeding and resisting a police officer.” The Sin City beauty queen was just plain mean according to the officers who took her in.

The Donald is most likely nodding his head now saying, “I told you so” as the reports of the surly Katie Rees who may be down on her knees begging for mercy at this moment. Then again, the little spitfire may just be kissing the women in the jail just like she did in those racy pictures that had surfaced.

The only thing for certain is that Katie Rees is no Tara Conner (or Sarah Conner for that matter) and not only does she no longer have a crown, she will now have a record and a lovely mugshot for her photo album.

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There is no doubt that Britney Spears has had a tough time lately. She’s been chased by the paparazzi, ordered not to see her manager / boyfriend Sam Lutfi, given up control of her finances to her father, given up her kids and her marriage and her career. The judge has just ordered that the restraining order against Lutfi be extended as well as Brit’s father’s control over her life. Until Valentine’s Day that is.

And, while this is all disturbing enough, what is even perhaps more disturbing is the fact that Britney Spears has surrounded herself with people with weird names. For instance, her father James (or is it Jamie James or Jesse?) completes the wacky Jamie / James naming nonsense that pervades the whole Spears family.

But, there is more. Britney Spears attorney is named Andrew Wallet. Now, is this an appropriate name for a lawyer or what? Her next lawyer will most likely be Paul Pocketbook and the one after that Pamela Purse. No matter whom she picks, however, she will be fattening up their piggy bank quite a bit.

Now, enter from stage left, attorney Adam Streisand, who believes that people who need people are the luckiest people in the world. Streisand also argued that Brit didn’t want Jamie James to be conservator of her estate. Plus, there was the bizarre Yentl reference.

And, then there is Superior Court Commissioner Reva Goetz who gets Brit in a psychiatric toe hold for two more weeks. With all these wacky named people around her, there is good reason Brit’s going a little insane right now. Stop the madness and get a new name!

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Kim Mattingly, the former wife of Yankee great Don Mattingly was arrested over the weekend for public intoxication. Kim Mattingly, 45, was arrested by deputies of the Vanderburgh County sheriff’s department outside of her former husband’s home.

Deputies were called to the home when Kim Mattingly refused to leave because of a cell phone dispute. According to reports, Kim came to the home to get the cell phone that she claimed Don had but was refusing to give her.

Don Mattingly had just taken a job with the Dodgers as an assistant coach under Joe Torre and two weeks ago moved into a position of a “Special Assignment Coach” because of family reasons.

Perhaps, Kim Mattingly is trying to get him reassigned to “Special, special, oh so special assignment coach” with her public display of disaffection. Kim Mattingly was released on $50 bond and no doubt when the Dodger season starts we will see a woman resembling Kim Mattingly in the stands with dark glasses and a scarf throwing beer and jeering inconsolably at the special assignments coach.

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Of course, several resources are reporting that Wesley Snipes was acquitted of tax fraud, which he was, but he was also convicted of three misdemeanor charges that could get the star three years in celebrity jail. Wesley Snipes was convicted of failing to file tax returns and will owe millions of bucks in back taxes plus penalties to the Federal government.

With the economy faltering who couldn’t use an infusion of Wesley Snipes money about now? The White Man Can’t Jump star thought that he was above paying taxes like everyone else and used some bizarre arguments that have in the past been rejected by the courts.

Just because Wesley Snipes was convicted, though, he may not see any jail time at all or he may serve minutes in celebrity jail like Nicole Richie’s flyby in Los Angeles. Snipes tried to snipe the taxpayer out of equality by enlisting the services of Eddie Ray Kahn, the conman who may face up to 10 years in prison for his role in this “nothing is sure but death and taxes” scheme.

Wesley Snipes thought that he could use his martial arts skills and play Demolition Man with the IRS and be left standing as the King of New York. But, this was a Major League blunder as the tax man doesn’t care if you’re a star or a whore, they will get their money out of your clinched little tight fist or buttocks, if that is where you’ve happened to stash it.

Wesley Snipes was lucky though as he was acquitted of the most serious charges that could have gotten him 16 years of Jungle Fever behind concrete walls and razor wire. But, there is that matter of that little check he has to write. Just make it out to Wham Bam Thank You Uncle Sam.

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Anna Elisa Fattori is a nude model. She works in Italy, modeling at Rome’s art academy. Anna Elisa Fattori is one of only 300 full-time nude models in the country who know the naked truth about the business, which is that they aren’t paid enough.

So, Anna Elisa Fattori is about to go on strike for better wages. She contends that its not easy blowing off the dress code of the corporate life, to well, blow off clothes altogether. Miss Fattori says that posing takes a lot of hard work and discipline and she challenges others to take their clothes off in public and feel comfortable doing so.

Now, just what will it look like when Anna Elisa Fattori goes on strike? Will she and the other 300 nude models created a bare assed picket line? Will she prance in her birthday suit around the Vatican in protest to the evil art gallery owners who want the shirt off her back?

Or perhaps Anna Elisa Fattori is making a more artistic statement that is one of respect for naked people everywhere. Perhaps she thinks that in a world filled with discrimination against race, creed, gender and sexual preference that there is another subculture that is also receiving preferential prejudicial treatment – nude dudes and dudettes?

Well, if Anna Elisa Fattori’s pole dancing picket line pays off, she will be back off the streets and into the art classroom where she belongs. Public displays of nudity may not be acceptable before the Pope’s peering eyes, but they are most certainly acceptable in classrooms dedicated to fine art.

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